On Wednesday, mom was transferred to ICU because of pneumonia and not being able to breathe. They sedated her, intubated her and the wait began. My sister stays during the day and I stay during the night; that way we know whats going on and how she's doing.
My first night was not good. First, they have her sedated with propofol, the drug that killed Michael Jackson. It is a wonderful drug, used in the correct manner. Within minutes, the patient is sedated and if you need to wake the patient up it only takes, maybe 10 minutes after the drug is stopped. In this manner, you can sedate, do a procedure and awake the patient with little or no after effects quickly. It is a very powerful medicine and is used sparingly, but its great in the process of incubation. It also causes “amnesia” so that the patient doesn't remember much of the ordeal after the sedation is lifted.
So, I sit down for a long evening. Yes, I can sleep, but we're in ICU—its not like the staff just leave you alone to sleep! They check vitals at least every two hours, come in when one of the bells and whistles begins blowing and other times, just to check, I guess. Don't get me wrong, I was happy they were taking good care of my mom. One of the other things they had to do was suction down her throat and clean out her mouth which, even with the sedation, hurt her—her throat and mouth were raw from the sores that were left from thrush. When they cleaned out her mouth, she would thrash about and I would try to get her to hold my hand, which she usually would, very strongly. She always did have a grip like a fighter!
About 9 p.m.,she develops a fever and they fill fabric bags with ice and put them under her arms and in the groin area to bring the fever down. About 10 p.m. This loud siren goes off and people run in. I walked out and went to the bathroom, I figured they didn't need me in there. After about 15-20 minutes, the nurse tells me that my mom's heart developed an unnatural rhythm and if it happens again, they may have to shock her heart! I go back in and tell mom, you need to calm down cuss your heart needs to rest. The rest of the night, luckily, is uneventful.
The next day my sister tells me the doctors did some tests and yes, she did have a heart attack because there's some damage to her heart. They discussed what would happen if she had another episode, they would use paddles which would break bones and did we want that done? So, besides the cancer, pneumonia, thrush and a bladder infection, she'd have to try heal bones. We sign the DNR decree.
Wednesday night is much less dramatic. She is still thrashing when they touch her mouth, but no heart problems, no new infections. The mucous that comes out is not just tinged with blood, its saturated with it...I have to wonder is it good to put her through this? Another thing I have to wonder is where do I draw the line in my own life? Even through the propofol, even though she's not supposed to remember any of this(Propofol's nickname is “milk of amnesia”), she's in some horrific pain. There is good news, the infections are getting better, but they were trying to do a scope of her throat and couldn't the scope down her throat due to the mass in her throat. We make a decision to wake her on Friday, taking her off the respirator and see what happens. The doctors have said she will not tolerate chemo any more and radiation won't annihilate the cancer by itself. And they don't know if she'll be able to breathe on her own once taken off of the respirator.
So on Friday, my brother, sister, granddaughter and I stand around the bed and wait. They wake up mom, take out the respirator and suction her mouth and this one she remembers! She cannot talk because of being on the respirator and its very frustrating for her. My sister tries to explain what's going on, that there will be no more treatments because she can't tolerate them, there will not be a cure, this is the end of her life...she is not happy or accepting about this. She will stay in ICU for 24 hours and then moved to a regular room for a couple of days and then....hospice.
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